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I'm not handling reality and social interaction very well right now.
People are pissing me off. A constant need to be PC in a constantly-changing landscape of language-deciders, language that will inevitably either offend someone else or fall out of favor by said language-deciders, is really pissing me off right now.
I don't know why it is pissing me off so much now, but it is.
It is a constant dance. A constant need to say "I'm sorry for being offensive for using a word that you or x group found perfectly valid a decade ago (or 2 years ago)."
I am doing the best I can, but sometimes the best I can do is just be myself and say fuck you for being offended all of the time.
I injured my other shoulder yesterday. My hips really hurt. My body is falling apart. I cried and purged yesterday.
Heathenry hasn't been doing anything for me psychospiritually, and so I have been doing the same wanderings I always do. But it just, in the long run, makes me feel even worse because nothing does the job. And the reason nothing does the job is I need to feed myself, independent of all this religious bullshit. Every religion makes me feel like shit or wanting in some form or fashion.
But to be honest, I haven't even tried to turn to Heathenry for solace. If you scour any religion long enough, I am sure you will find something that clicks. But I think I am just burnt out on it.
I am feeling very raw and finding humans unappealing. I am tired of tending to everyone else's emotional needs. Checking in on them. Asking them how they are doing. Even doing that for my husband sometimes feels too much.
I have retreated from social interaction a lot, but you can't just end friendships. That would make me a bitch. And so I do the honorable thing and keep them in mind, ask them how they are doing, being mindful of what is on their plate. Because when people don't do that for me, it makes me feel badly. I can't remember the last time my sister asked me about my physical ailments or eating disorder. She just doesn't care enough to keep me in mind, I guess. But she has her own shit to deal with. Her FIL committed suicide last year, she just lost her job AGAIN -- she has been chronically unemployed or underemployed and repeatedly fired her entire life. So, who am I to expect such things from people? We are all unanchored islands. Wayfareres just trying to find something that makes us feel at peace and a place to be moored.
I don't know what I will do after my mother dies. She is my anchor. Her place is, more often than not, where I am completely at ease in another person's company. My life will fall to pieces once she is gone.
People are pissing me off. A constant need to be PC in a constantly-changing landscape of language-deciders, language that will inevitably either offend someone else or fall out of favor by said language-deciders, is really pissing me off right now.
I don't know why it is pissing me off so much now, but it is.
It is a constant dance. A constant need to say "I'm sorry for being offensive for using a word that you or x group found perfectly valid a decade ago (or 2 years ago)."
I am doing the best I can, but sometimes the best I can do is just be myself and say fuck you for being offended all of the time.
I injured my other shoulder yesterday. My hips really hurt. My body is falling apart. I cried and purged yesterday.
Heathenry hasn't been doing anything for me psychospiritually, and so I have been doing the same wanderings I always do. But it just, in the long run, makes me feel even worse because nothing does the job. And the reason nothing does the job is I need to feed myself, independent of all this religious bullshit. Every religion makes me feel like shit or wanting in some form or fashion.
But to be honest, I haven't even tried to turn to Heathenry for solace. If you scour any religion long enough, I am sure you will find something that clicks. But I think I am just burnt out on it.
I am feeling very raw and finding humans unappealing. I am tired of tending to everyone else's emotional needs. Checking in on them. Asking them how they are doing. Even doing that for my husband sometimes feels too much.
I have retreated from social interaction a lot, but you can't just end friendships. That would make me a bitch. And so I do the honorable thing and keep them in mind, ask them how they are doing, being mindful of what is on their plate. Because when people don't do that for me, it makes me feel badly. I can't remember the last time my sister asked me about my physical ailments or eating disorder. She just doesn't care enough to keep me in mind, I guess. But she has her own shit to deal with. Her FIL committed suicide last year, she just lost her job AGAIN -- she has been chronically unemployed or underemployed and repeatedly fired her entire life. So, who am I to expect such things from people? We are all unanchored islands. Wayfareres just trying to find something that makes us feel at peace and a place to be moored.
I don't know what I will do after my mother dies. She is my anchor. Her place is, more often than not, where I am completely at ease in another person's company. My life will fall to pieces once she is gone.
