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I am very burnt out on Heathenry, but even a little burned out on Paganism, as well. I will always be Pagan-y, just as I will also be atheist-y, but for a long time Heathenry, as much as the mythopoetic imagery and language is now embedded into my psychospiritual landscape, has lost my interest.
I have not had an interest in Christianity for many years now. I thought I would never have an interest in studying it again, actually. It was almost like something akin to Jainism -- a religion I know is out there but has no emotional pull on me.
Christianity had such an emotional pull on me that I ended up going to seminary and getting a Masters in Christian theology. My interest in it slowly waned, ebbed and flowed in and out at briefer, weaker waves, only to never reappear for years now.
Probably part of the reason I am so sick of Heathenry is that I can't escape it since it is my husband's religion. For years my husband was an atheist with no religion. He has found his home in Heathenry -- it is most fitting for him spiritually and ethically -- and he is drinking it in daily. And so I have been exposed to it daily, weekly, monthly, almost constantly for over a year now.
Anyone who knows me knows that I cycle through religious obsessions. Usually the ones that I become fixated on I spend so much time inundating myself in them that I then need to walk away and find a different religion to obsess about. I inevitably come back to them. Many are always under the surface, always part of my landscape, even of they are currently slumbering. I think Heathenry is one of those paths. Heck, I am creating a tarot deck based on Heathenry, so I don't think I will be completely rid of it.
But even though I am burned out on it, I am obligated to keep living in it. Tomorrow I am starting a study group with my husband and another member of our fledgling, floundering kindred. I will do it because I don't want to let my friend down and my husband is really excited about it.
I was planning on taking a break from the kindred after this month's blot. Unfortunately, this month's blot was cancelled because of a number of reasons, and so I must attend next month's blot.
I need to allow myself to take a break from the religion and the Pagan community so that I can return to it at a later date without resentment and in a way that it will spiritually feed me. For a long time, I have been doing the kindred out of sheer obligation. I do not believe the gods exist, and so bloting every month to beings that I don't believe exist is emotionally and psychically taxing.
While outside of sacred space my intellect affirms a atheism, inside sacred space -- whether that be the forest or a church or whatever -- my beliefs are more closely aligned with panentheism, which is a type of monotheism. I can sense an otherness about That Which Is, but I also sense a total immanence to it, as well. Sometimes that externality is merely the collective emotion and intimacy of those around me. But other times, when I am alone, it isn't always so.
Missing Christianity
I do miss Christianity. I hate admitting to it because it can cause such problems. The widely different ethics between Christianity and Heathenry aside, in the past when I let myself get sucked into Christian eschatology and mysticism, I had at times felt as if I were almost going insane. It would just tear my soul apart due to the existential quandaries it caused. The proleptic concept of "The Already-Not Yet" of the Kingdom of God was actually experienced as an "Already-But No Doubt Never" that led to a horrible sense of desperation. A kind of longing for a lover that has gone off to war and will never return and you aren't even sure if they were killed or not kind of feeling.
I keep having Christian dreams recently. Last night I dreamed that my New Testament professor had decided to convert from Lutheranism to Catholicism and we were sitting together at church. I don't remember what he was saying, but he was pouring his soul out to me about his faith struggles.
Ethically, I do not fully mesh with Heathenry or Christianity. I believe in a self and don't find ego always a bad thing, and so Buddhism has always been a problem, even if the meditation and DBT are very valuable.
But anyway. I should probably end this because I don't really know what else to say.
It is what it is.
I have not had an interest in Christianity for many years now. I thought I would never have an interest in studying it again, actually. It was almost like something akin to Jainism -- a religion I know is out there but has no emotional pull on me.
Christianity had such an emotional pull on me that I ended up going to seminary and getting a Masters in Christian theology. My interest in it slowly waned, ebbed and flowed in and out at briefer, weaker waves, only to never reappear for years now.
Probably part of the reason I am so sick of Heathenry is that I can't escape it since it is my husband's religion. For years my husband was an atheist with no religion. He has found his home in Heathenry -- it is most fitting for him spiritually and ethically -- and he is drinking it in daily. And so I have been exposed to it daily, weekly, monthly, almost constantly for over a year now.
Anyone who knows me knows that I cycle through religious obsessions. Usually the ones that I become fixated on I spend so much time inundating myself in them that I then need to walk away and find a different religion to obsess about. I inevitably come back to them. Many are always under the surface, always part of my landscape, even of they are currently slumbering. I think Heathenry is one of those paths. Heck, I am creating a tarot deck based on Heathenry, so I don't think I will be completely rid of it.
But even though I am burned out on it, I am obligated to keep living in it. Tomorrow I am starting a study group with my husband and another member of our fledgling, floundering kindred. I will do it because I don't want to let my friend down and my husband is really excited about it.
I was planning on taking a break from the kindred after this month's blot. Unfortunately, this month's blot was cancelled because of a number of reasons, and so I must attend next month's blot.
I need to allow myself to take a break from the religion and the Pagan community so that I can return to it at a later date without resentment and in a way that it will spiritually feed me. For a long time, I have been doing the kindred out of sheer obligation. I do not believe the gods exist, and so bloting every month to beings that I don't believe exist is emotionally and psychically taxing.
While outside of sacred space my intellect affirms a atheism, inside sacred space -- whether that be the forest or a church or whatever -- my beliefs are more closely aligned with panentheism, which is a type of monotheism. I can sense an otherness about That Which Is, but I also sense a total immanence to it, as well. Sometimes that externality is merely the collective emotion and intimacy of those around me. But other times, when I am alone, it isn't always so.
Missing Christianity
I do miss Christianity. I hate admitting to it because it can cause such problems. The widely different ethics between Christianity and Heathenry aside, in the past when I let myself get sucked into Christian eschatology and mysticism, I had at times felt as if I were almost going insane. It would just tear my soul apart due to the existential quandaries it caused. The proleptic concept of "The Already-Not Yet" of the Kingdom of God was actually experienced as an "Already-But No Doubt Never" that led to a horrible sense of desperation. A kind of longing for a lover that has gone off to war and will never return and you aren't even sure if they were killed or not kind of feeling.
I keep having Christian dreams recently. Last night I dreamed that my New Testament professor had decided to convert from Lutheranism to Catholicism and we were sitting together at church. I don't remember what he was saying, but he was pouring his soul out to me about his faith struggles.
Ethically, I do not fully mesh with Heathenry or Christianity. I believe in a self and don't find ego always a bad thing, and so Buddhism has always been a problem, even if the meditation and DBT are very valuable.
But anyway. I should probably end this because I don't really know what else to say.
It is what it is.
