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It's nights like this that I want to break my fast from alcohol.
It has been less than a month since my kindred member was murdered. It feels like it has been several months.
I got into a big fight with another kindred member, one that was never resolved, over ethics. It was that argument that inspired my last entry. He grates on my nerves, and now, no doubt partly because of the argument, he isn't even going to our murdered kindred member's memorial. He didn't go to her viewing or funeral, either, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.
I was actually hoping that he would leave the kindred, because he just rubs me and a couple others the wrong way, even though our chief seems to think pretty highly of him. But now that he said he isn't going to her memorial because "he needs his space," I am not sure what I am feeling. A mix of things. Guilt for standing up for myself, for not "keeping sweet" to avoid conflict and tension; anger that he would miss such an important event because he needs "his space," which I find pretty selfish and disrespectful toward her memory.
I thought about reaching out to him, as I know he has a lot on his plate with his wife (whom I hate with a passion). However, he publicly disrespected me and my husband and won't apologize for it, and even went so far as to try to manipulate the conversation to try to make it look like I was being irrational and immature for not "respecting different opinions." He has on a number of occasions been condescending, even gaslighting.
I have had a lifelong problem with wanting everyone to like me, even if I don't like them. I constant need to "keep sweet." To not cause waves, to make nicey nicey. I need to stop doing this for my own well-being.
I have a feeling that this experiment in having a kindred might flop. Lots of arguing and miscommunication and even poor organization. I can't imagine it surviving at the rate it is going. But maybe it is just growing pains. I don't know.
So, I am feeling very angry, guilty, cynical, and sad right now.
Maybe friendships aren't worth it. Most fizzle out and go away anyway. What is the point in putting in all this effort into friendships if they just don't remember you or are there for you or would rather be with other people?
Maybe I am PMSing. I dunno. I am feeling extremely down and angry tonight.
It has been less than a month since my kindred member was murdered. It feels like it has been several months.
I got into a big fight with another kindred member, one that was never resolved, over ethics. It was that argument that inspired my last entry. He grates on my nerves, and now, no doubt partly because of the argument, he isn't even going to our murdered kindred member's memorial. He didn't go to her viewing or funeral, either, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.
I was actually hoping that he would leave the kindred, because he just rubs me and a couple others the wrong way, even though our chief seems to think pretty highly of him. But now that he said he isn't going to her memorial because "he needs his space," I am not sure what I am feeling. A mix of things. Guilt for standing up for myself, for not "keeping sweet" to avoid conflict and tension; anger that he would miss such an important event because he needs "his space," which I find pretty selfish and disrespectful toward her memory.
I thought about reaching out to him, as I know he has a lot on his plate with his wife (whom I hate with a passion). However, he publicly disrespected me and my husband and won't apologize for it, and even went so far as to try to manipulate the conversation to try to make it look like I was being irrational and immature for not "respecting different opinions." He has on a number of occasions been condescending, even gaslighting.
I have had a lifelong problem with wanting everyone to like me, even if I don't like them. I constant need to "keep sweet." To not cause waves, to make nicey nicey. I need to stop doing this for my own well-being.
I have a feeling that this experiment in having a kindred might flop. Lots of arguing and miscommunication and even poor organization. I can't imagine it surviving at the rate it is going. But maybe it is just growing pains. I don't know.
So, I am feeling very angry, guilty, cynical, and sad right now.
Maybe friendships aren't worth it. Most fizzle out and go away anyway. What is the point in putting in all this effort into friendships if they just don't remember you or are there for you or would rather be with other people?
Maybe I am PMSing. I dunno. I am feeling extremely down and angry tonight.
